The List
by GEM8
Summary: Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Mellitz, Olitz
1. Chapter 1

Title: _The List _

Author: GEM

Date: 10-5-14

Pairing: Fitz/Mellie, Olivia/Fitz

Rating: T

Summary: Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Mellitz, Olitz

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: A little Season 4 Speculation. Please let me know what you think.

Chapter 1

Fitz stood in front of the mirror adjusting his tie. The black silk was cold and felt foreign running through his shaky fingers. Today was the day he would say goodbye to his eldest son forever. He would never see Gerry again. His son was dead. Their son was dead. Mellie was barely holding on. He was barely holding on. He was President because his son was dead. The price is too high. He had a country to run but in truth it didn't matter. Mellie was grieving. He was grieving and they needed to be there for Karen and Teddy. The Presidency would be there when this was over but for today he was a grieving parent.

"Daddy." Karen stepped in the huge closet carrying her little brother.

"Yes, Karen."

"Teddy won't hold still so I can tie the tie." Karen set Teddy down on the bench across from her father.

"Don't worry about the tie Karebear. He looks fine with the shirt and sweater vest." Fitz picked Teddy up off the bench. "Don't you buddy." Teddy looked at his father and gave him a pouty smile. Fitz was thankful that Teddy was too young to truly understand what was happening today. "Let's go find your mother.

"She's locked herself in the bedroom. I knocked but she won't open the door." Karen offered in a sad voice. Fitz was certain that his little girl had been crying recently and that would undoubtedly continue today. They would all be crying today. Today is what made it really. Gerry was dead. He was really gone and he wouldn't be coming back.

"Take your brother into the living room. I'll take care of Mom." Fitz said as he kissed Teddy on the top of the head and handed him off to Karen. He drew his little girl into his side and kissed the top of her head as well.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this dad."

"I don't know if I am either but we'll get through it together. " Fitz felt a pang of guilt as he thought of Olivia. They were always in this together and now she was nowhere to be found. He kissed his daughter once again. "We have each other and I'm not letting go." Karen nodded and gave her dad a sad smile as she walked down the long hallway toward the living area. Fitz stopped in front of the bedroom door and knocked softly. "Mellie. Mels open the door. Mellie, open the door." Fitz finally heard a click and the door knob twisted in his hand. He opened the door and stepped through.

The sight before him broke his heart. Mellie was sitting on the couch in their room in a bathrobe and slippers nursing another drink. He knelt down in front of her and gently took the glass out of her hand as he had done so many times before. They did not have the typical marriage. Their marriage is no longer one bases on love. It is no longer based on respect. Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Their son was now on that list. It was too painful to think about Gerry. Mellie had closed up in the seven day since he'd died. Fitz had closed off as well. There were things going on around him but he had a one track mind. Take care of the family. Take care of Mellie. He didn't love her in the true sense of the word as a husband should love his wife. They had both done too much damage to their marriage for that. He cared for her though and he needed her to get through today. He need her to help him get through today. "We need to get you ready to go." Fitz said gently.

"I don't want to go." Mellie whispered through her alcohol induced haze."

"I don't either Mels but we have to. This happened to our family and there is nothing we can do to change it. We have to go and say our goodbyes and then we have to put our family back together." Fitz drew Mellie into his embrace to comfort her but she resisted and stood up.

"Our family will never be put back together. Our family is broken and will always be broken. Gerry is dead, Fitz! He's dead and he's not coming back!" She ran from the room. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. These things ate away at their marriage and there was nothing he could do to change it. Fitz stood up and went in search of his wife. She was in the walk in closet getting ready. She heard him come in but didn't acknowledge him.

"Mel."

"Leave me alone, Fitzgerald. I'm doing what you want. I'll be ready in time to bury my son." Mellie pulled down a black dress with a suit jacket. She stumbled out of her pajamas.

Fitz stepped forward to steady her. "Let me help you, please." Fitz was gentle as he ushered her to the bench in the closet and sat her down. He carefully undressed her the rest of the way and help her dress in the suit. He watch as she slipped farther and farther into herself. He zipped up the dress and kissed the back of her neck. "Do you want to wear your pearls?"

Mellie shook her head and Fitz walked over to the jewelry box and returned with the pearls. He put the around her neck and fastened the clasp. He walked around the bench and looked at her. He knelt down and helped her put on her black high heels. "All set." He stood up and extended his and hand. She took and stood up on shaky legs. "I can't do this..." She whispered through fresh tears.

Fitz reached up and brushed them away. "I can't either." Fitz said honestly with sad eyes and tears threaten to spill. He took both of Mellie's hand in his own. "We don't have a choice, Mellie. Our son is dead. We have to bury him. We have to say goodbye." The words died on Fitz's lips. He didn't want to say goodbye. In truth, he wanted this unbearable pain to end. He wanted to see his son again. He didn't want to say goodbye he wanted to say hello.

OOO

The family walked solemnly to the graveside after the private family service. Fitz had his arms wrapped securely around Mellie to ensure that she wouldn't fall. He was grieving as well but his priority was to make sure that Mellie was taken care of. Cyrus was helping Karen and Teddy and Mellie was his responsibility. The press wasn't welcome inside the church or at the graveside but there would be press pictures of him leaving the church and the grave when this was all said and done. Fitz was certain they would be on cover of several high profile magazines. He needed to make sure Mellie was okay for that.

They followed Gerry's casket to the gravesite and watched as the pole bearers put him down at his final resting place. Fitz stood between Karen and Mellie with his arms securely around each of them. He tried to get Mel to sit down but she refused. Karen held tightly onto little Teddy's hand as the reverend spoke. In a matter of minutes it was over and Gerry was being lowered into the ground. Mellie was whaling, Fitz held her as she sobbed into his shoulder and he cried as well.

Karen wiped tears from her eyes as well. She picked up her little brother and whispered into his ear as she walked with him to the grave. She dropped a rose on top of the casket and whisper to Teddy who did the same. She said some silent words to her older brother and walked away with the Secret Service and White House staff leaving her parents by her brother's grave.

Fitz held Mellie as she collapsed to the ground next to the grave. "Gerry!" She screamed in grief."I want to go in. Just put me in there."

"No, Mel." Fitz held her as she continued to weep. She laid down beside the grave and was still. The Secret Service Agents stayed to secure the scene for the two grieving parents.

Cyrus approach a few minutes later. "Mr. President. I don't mean to be insensitive but they need to finish up here."

Fitz only nodded as he made his way over to his wife. "Mel, we need to go now."

"No."

"Mel, Karen and Teddy are waiting for us. We need to go. We'll come back and visit tomorrow. Fitz reached down and picked up his wife. He carried her away from Gerry's grave sobbing and put her down behind one of the monuments in the cemetery. "Mel, look at me." Mellie looked up. "It's you and me. The press is out there and they want pictures.

"No."

"I couldn't agree with you more but they aren't going away. The kids are waiting in the car. We are going to walk out of here together. You don't have to look at them and no one is expecting you to smile. All you have to do is walk to the car Mels, that's it. I'll be with you every step of the way. Fitz took her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist. "You ready?" Mellie nodded and they left the cemetery.

There were pictures the next day, the next week but Fitz and Mellie never heard the cameras as they walked away from their son's grave and into the car. They were to consumed in their own grief. That night Fitz found Mellie sitting in her bathrobe on the Truman balcony. She had retreated into herself and Fitz feared she would never come out. Fitz sat next to her and drew her into his arms. She flinched a bit. "I don't ever want to talk about this day again." She whispered. Fitz leaned in a kissed the top of his head in silent agreement and stared out at the Washington Monument


	2. Chapter 2

Title: _The List _

Author: GEM

Date: 10-5-14

Pairing: Fitz/Mellie, Olivia/Fitz

Rating: T

Summary: Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Mellitz, Olitz

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: Thank you to the reviewers. You make me smile.A little Season 4 Speculation. Please let me know what you think.

To my Guest Reviewer: I never said it was cannon or AU. The story itself is meant to be entertaining. I'm sorry if you don't find it believable. I don't find it out of the realm of possibility given the wonderful performances of Tony Goldwyn and Bellamy Young to date. As I said before this is a bit of speculation.

Chapter 2

Fitz stared down at the report in front of him. _How did we get here, _he thought. It had been three weeks since Gerry died and he won the White House again. The Holidays were upon them and so far his Christmas wish had yet to come true. He knew that it was hoping for too much. He knew that he needed to care for Mellie and focus on his kids but part of him would feel so much better about doing that, if he knew where _she_ was. She was gone. The report in front of him said so. Olivia had fallen off the face of the Earth. He stared at the seal remembering that fateful night. The night that she disappeared from his life.

_Fitz couldn't find the strength to leave the floor of the Oval Office until it was dark. He'd won the election. His son was dead. Mellie was sitting beside me with the phone pressed to her ear still looking for Olivia. Olivia had left him again. Olivia was missing. She wasn't answering her phone. He was alone. Olivia should have been the one that walked into the Oval Office and told him he'd won. They'd won. It wasn't how they wanted to win but they won. Politics was never clean. Fitz had plenty of people who walked behind him and cleaned up. He had plenty of people guarding the gate. It wasn't clean but it was a win. A win he wished he could give back. He wished his son was still alive. He wished that Olivia was still here. He wished he was sitting on the porch looking at the Vermont countryside. _

_The truth was this wasn't Vermont, Gerry was dead and Olivia was gone. That was the awful, horrible truth of his life. He stood outside hoping that the ground would shallow him up and make his nightmare end. The nightmare wasn't going to end. In the coming days, he would bury his oldest Son, Mellie would crumble, he would eventually fall and Olivia wouldn't be here to pick him up. _

The weekly report showed nothing new and he knew he needed to stop looking. He needed to focus on the work ahead. He needed to focus on his family but he couldn't. Olivia Pope was his focus. They were magnetically attracted to one another. He was not complete without her. He was nothing without her. She was his everything. If he was going to get through the loss of his son, he needed her in his life. He knew they couldn't be together. He knew he need to focus on his family but he needed to know where she was. He needed to know that he could pick up the phone and hear her voice. He need to be able to have a conversation with her. He needed more than her per-recorded voice mail message. He needed more.

"Fitz come to bed." Mellie said as she entered his study.

"We are sleeping in the same bed tonight?"

"Fitz," Mellie came up behind him. "I'm not doing this anymore. You can't hold in your grieve anymore."

"You can't drink it away Mel." Fitz said as he looked at his wife. "Go to bed Mellie. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Olivia is out of your orbit. You are not fine." Mellie walked to face Fitz. "I'm sorry. I was naive to believe that it would be better without her. You need her Fitz. We need her. I'm sorry. Mellie left the study after pouring herself another drink. Mellie was slipping farther and farther away as the days went on. He was falling farther and farther down his own rabbit hole of grief. He needed Olivia. He needed to find an acceptable outlet. He wasn't going to talk about his grief as the RNC had suggested. He wasn't going to use Gerry's death as a way to raise money for the party. He son wasn't a pawn in some game.

The outlet turned out to be his work. It could also be argued that finding Olivia was an outlet for him as well. As long as he was looking for her, she wasn't truly gone.

Four weeks later he walked into the residence to find Mellie lounging on the couch. She still hadn't gotten dressed. "Mel, we need to work on this You need to get dressed. "

"What's the point. There's nothing to get dressed for. The American people don't expect to see me. I'm grieving. I'm the only one grieving. Mellie whispered. "For Gerry at least."

"Mellie." Fitz said in a warning tone. "I'm grieving." He was indeed grieving. He had taken to grieving in private, away from his kids, and away from his wife because he didn't want it to further affect her. Mellie was slipping in a deeper and deeper depression as the days went on and he wasn't going to contribute to her pain. He held her when she cried. When she would let him. He had instructed the White House staff to give her whatever she wanted and her detail was keeping a close eye on her as well.

"What it's true. You're not grieving for him. You're grieving for Olivia Pope. Oh, the great Saint Olivia Pope. Have you found her yet?" Mellie asked as she polished off her latest drink."

"We are not talking about this." It caused him too much pain but not as much as knowing he would never see his son again.

"She left you! She shared my deep dark secret and left you to pick up the pieces. She left you!

Fitz walked up to Mellie and took her in his arms and stared into her eyes. He took the glass out of her hand. "I think you've had enough. I think you need a shower and then you are going to bed." Fitz guided Mellie to the bathroom and helped her into the shower.

"Where is she Fitz...Where is your precious mistress Olivia Pope?"

"Mellie we are not talking about this. Fitz said firmly added to the list. We are not talking about Olivia."

**OOO**

The next day he called her phone to hear her voice and it was disconnected. He picked up his glass and drank. He dialed again and drank again. He repeated this process until he was numb. He had no idea where she'd gone and now he couldn't even hear her voice. Olivia was gone. He didn't want to think about a life without her in it. He didn't want to think about her with Jake. He knew that they had left together but he didn't know where they went. They lost track of her and Jake or at that's what Tom said. She was gone until she wanted to be found or join the land of the living again.

Was he living? He poured himself another drink and knocked it back. Was this life? Olivia was his everything. He hadn't been eating, sleeping or breathing. He was breathing but each breath was heavy. Gerry was gone. Liv was gone. Was there any reason to gone on, if the love of his life wasn't here anymore? Was there any reason to live if he son was gone forever? He picked up another full glass and knocked it back. This continued until he passed out.

He saw her then in his drunken slumber. "Olivia." Fitz reached for her and Olivia brushed her hand against his face.

"You can't leave her Fitz." I wouldn't want you, if you left her." Olivia smiled as he looked into his eyes. "You need to try."

"Olivia I need you. Where are you?" Fitz could feel tears coming to his eyes. Was he dreaming or was she really here.

" I'm always with you Fitz. You can't give up.

"You gave up." Fitz shot back as he felt her starting to slip away.

"I'm fixing myself. I'm the scandal." Olivia said as she started to let go of his hand.

"You're not a scandal. You're the love of my life." Fitz rushed after and grabbed her.

"I love you too but I can't be with you right now. Olivia put a hand on his chest and pushed away gently You are meant to be great. You need to be great. You got your second chance."

"I don't want a second chance. I want you back. I want my son back. That's the second chance I want Livvie. " Olivia walked farther into the haze. He could barely see her but he could still here her.

"You'll see me again. Remember I'm always with you. Now go and be great. Pick yourself up and be the man I voted for." Olivia said as she disappeared.

"Olivia. Liv... Olivia...Livvie." Fitz mumbled on the floor. Where's Olivia."

Mellie knelt down on the seal next to her husband as she hand down weeks ago. "No one knows where you missing mistress is. " Mellie said as she finished off her latest drink. You need to move on Fitz. You need to be President now.

"I want Olivia."

"And I want my son back."

"So do I Mels, so do I. " Fitz picked himself up off the floor and went to stare out the window. The window where he had kissed Olivia so many times. "We will not talk about this again." Fitz said as he moved to stand in front of Mellie. He held out his hand to help her up. "It's you and me." He said as she was now standing before him.

"Whatever you want baby. I'll add missing mistress to the list."


	3. Chapter 3

Title: _The List _

Author: GEM

Date: 10-5-14

Pairing: Fitz/Mellie, Olivia/Fitz

Rating: T

Summary: Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Mellitz, Olitz

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: A little Season 4 Speculation. Please let me know what you think. Thank you to the you wonderful reviews. A thank you all to all the favs and follows Now here is the next chapter. I little trip down memory lane. I am not going for sympathetic Mellie just to clear the air for the guest reviews.

Chapter 3

One moment can change the direction of your life forever. One moment, for Mellie Grant, that one moment occurred one night Santa Barbara. Big Gerry changed the course of her life in the blink of an eye. She cried after it was over. She laid on the couch alone in the dull fire light and cried. Then she climbed the stairs in desperate need of a shower. She needed to wash away what she left as her husband beckoned her to came to bed. She gave in but never felt the same way in his arms again. She was tainted and dirty and she felt like she wanted to curl up and hide. While laying in his arms she fought the urge to burst into tears and much as she tried to fight off Big Gerry.

The next morning while sitting alone with her attacker she realized what needed to be done. She needed Big Gerry to appreciate his son. He needed him to believe in his son. She struck a deal. Tell him you believe in him and he'll run for Governor.

She gave her soul to the devil for Fitz's political career. They started pretending the night Big Gerry raped her and they never stopped.

She tried to kill herself because she couldn't deal with the idea of her son been her father-in-Law's child. She got the pills into the Governor's Mansion, she swallowed the pills and passed out into Oblivion before Andrew found her.

Andrew found her and saved her from herself. She was so mad at him. She just wanted it to end. He wouldn't allow that. She begged and pleated with him and he agree not to call an ambulance and take to a hospital. He stayed with her all night after he interrupted her attempted suicide. He talked to her like Fitz used to talk to her. He cared for her like Fitz used to care for her. She was angry with him because her way would have been easier but she did finally thank him for going along with her request. She knew he missed her company but she couldn't break apart her family because of Andrew's moment of weakness. She pressed on and retreated within herself. When Fitz asked what was wrong with her she explained that have a baby changed her. She was no longer a sexual person. It was a lie but it was the only way she could survive. Every time Mellie was with Fitz she would see his father. Every time Fitz touched her she would feel his father. Mellie tried to change. She loved Fitz but the idea of being intimate with him turned her stomach. The sad part of it was, he did nothing to deserve that kind of reaction. She was his wife but that part of her died the night Big Jerry forced himself on her.

One decision can change your life forever. It took a while for her to realize that her husband was in love with Olivia Pope. Mellie thought that the novelty of the idea would wear off once they made it to the White House. She had turned her husband away years ago but she never dreamed he would go looking somewhere else. He hadn't for years.

Olivia Pope became a cloud over their marriage or so she thought. She realized much later that Olivia was so much more. Olivia was the air Fitz breathed, the Water he drank and the food he ate. He could function without her. It was hell when she left. She would come back, then leave again and come back and it was the same song and dance every time. Olivia was finally the one who told Fitz the truth about Mellie.

Fitz always believe Mellie loved him for what he could give her. The Governor's Mansion, the White House and a stepping stone to her own political career. He never realized what was taken from her to reach those goals. He believed her to be a vindictive monster but Olivia set him straight. Big Gerry raped her." It's a lie." was his first reaction.

"I don't think so. Think about who Big Gerry was." Fitz thought and his face fell. He had asked Mellie two weeks ago what she lost. She hesitated but never answered. He was mad about Andrew but it all made sense now. He walked out of the Oval Office and up to the Residence.

When he entered the room she looked at him and turned her attention back to the drink. "What?" She asked caring much more about the drink that the sad, devastated look on his face. "You know."

"I know." Fitz said

"Olivia Pope can't do anything right." Fitz walked over to Mellie and took the glass from her hand. He placed on the table and bent down and kissed her on the top of the head. He sat down a drew her into his arms. "I took a paternity test. Gerry is your son, not his."

"I don't care." Fitz held her closer.

"I fought him. I fought." Mellie cried as Fitz pulled her closer and calmed her. When she finally calmed down she looked up at Fitz. "I'm not ready to talk about this. Do we have to talk about this. You know that it wasn't you. You didn't push me away. You didn't do anything. Olivia would never have happened if I had paid attention to you."

"Olivia is not up for discussion. You are. We are. Andrew Nichols is up for discussion."

"I don't want to talk about it Fitz. I don't want to talk about us. If Olivia is not up for discussion than Andrew isn't either. I lived through this. I don't want to talk about it. You don't want to hear how your father forced himself on me. You don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about this. I'm putting it on the list. My rape...Mellie's rape, is going on the list." It did go on the list but time will tell if it is a good place for it to be.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: _The List _

Author: GEM

Date: 10-5-14

Pairing: Fitz/Mellie, Olivia/Fitz

Rating: T

Summary: Their marriage is a now a business arrangement. Their marriage is just for show. There was a list of things that they didn't do. There is a list of things that they don't talk about. Mellitz, Olitz

Disclaimer: Scandal is Property of Shonda Rimes and ABC et al.

A/N: A little Season 4 Speculation. Please let me know what you think.

Chapter 4

The Oval Office had become his prison. He was alone in the crown jewel of the American prison system. He was truly alone. Mellie has completely shut out the outside world. She won't speak. She won't eat. She like he is barely existing. Jerry was gone. Dead. Fitz was existing. He was function but today, tonight it was more difficult than he expected. Today he was sworn in again, without his son by his side. Today, he took the Oath of Office without Olivia by his side because she felt responsible for his son's death.

Fitz walked around the Presidential Seal with a drink in his hand. He polished it off and poured another, then another. The scotch numbed the pain but didn't erase it. Mellie hardly made it through the day. They only attended two balls citing personal reasons. No one questioned them after all, who would want to celebrate anything so soon after losing their son.

Fitz walked out of the Oval office with the tumbler still in his hand and made his way to the residence. He entered his study and poured himself another drink. He made quick work of that drink and poured another, and another. He stumbled toward the bathroom a while later and stared at himself in the mirror. He was drunk. He knew that and it felt good. He couldn't take anymore of this today. He wanted to give up. He stared at the pill bottles in front of him. One in Mellie's name and one in his. The pills made to his hand and then...

The tears began to fall. He was so numb he didn't even notice. He collapsed to the floor in a fit of sorrow. Jerry was gone. Dead. Olivia was gone. Missing. He couldn't be a soccer dad in Vermont. If he couldn't have that with Jerry, Karen, Teddy and her, what was the point? He threw the glass against the bathroom wall. He took a shard of glass and it seemed so easy. The alchol and pills would do it wouldn't they? Olivia was gone, wasn't she? She wouldn't come back for him, would she?" He could be with Jerry. He could end this. He could be with Jerry again. It would be so easy. He began to slip away and then he saw her.

"Olivia." Fitz reached for her and Olivia brushed her hand against his face.

"You can't leave her Fitz." I wouldn't want you, if you left her." Olivia smiled as he looked into his eyes. "You need to try. You need to stay for your kids. What are you doing? This won't solve anything. Fitz, Stay. You need to stay!"

"Olivia I need you. Where are you?" Fitz could feel tears coming to his eyes. Was he dreaming or was she really here. "You gave up." Fitz shot back as he felt her starting to slip away.

"I'm fixing myself. I'm the scandal." Olivia said as she started to let go of his hand.

"You're not a scandal. You're the love of my life." Fitz rushed after and grabbed her.

"I love you too but I can't be with you right now. Olivia put a hand on his chest and pushed away gently You are meant to be great. You need to be great. You got your second chance. You need to stay. Mellie, Teddy and Karen need you."

"I don't want a second chance. I want you back. I want my son back. That's the second chance I want Livvie. " Olivia walked farther into the haze. He could barely see her but he could still here her.

"Olivia. Liv... Olivia...Livvie." Fitz mumbled on the floor. Where's Olivia."

Mellie knelt down on the bathroom floor and put towels over the cuts on his wrist. Even in her grief stricken haze there was no mistaken what he attempted to do.

"I want Olivia."

"Fitz! What did you do?"

The Secret Service Agents came running. Mellie stood up and looked at the counter. The pill bottle was open. Find Lesley!"

"I'll call his doctor." Tom said as he took in the scene

"No." Mellie demanded "Find his Deputy Chief of Staff. Hurry!"

"Olivia!" I'm sorry." Fitz whispered before he passed out.

OOO

He woke up to find Mellie staring down at him. "What happened?"

"You tell me. I don't even know how to put our night into words."

"I had a bad night. "

"A bad night. Is that what you want to call it?" Mellie stood up and stared out the window. "Okay."

"We won't talk about this agian."

"We won't talk about it again." Mellie said before she walked out.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Karen...of all the things that could bring Olivia back into his life. It was his daughter. It turns out that Karen isn't something that he a Mellie talked about either but she was an easy topic to talk about with Olivia. Olivia were genuinely concerned with giving his daughter a future that is not defined by one mistake.

If his daughter shouldn't be defined by one mistake, why was he feeling so betrayed by her admission that she went away with Jake? Why did it hurt so much? Olivia he was came back for her. He was alive today because of her. He wanted the pain to end by he saw her in his drug induced haze and came back. He came back for her.

Olivia walked into her apartment and threw her back down. He keys landed in the dish on the table beside the door. She walked into her bedroom and stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the shower. Jake wouldn't be joining her this evening. There would be no booty call. She had too much on her mind. Fitz's words played over and over in her mind. "_Don't ever leave like that again. I almost didn't survive. I almost died without you."_ There was something about the way he said that to her that made her gut twist. She never trusted her gut when she was around Fitz but this time. The way he talked to her, the way he held on to her and the way he kissed. She knew that something had happened and she needed to find out what.

Olivia didn't sleep that night. Fitz words were on repeat in her head. She walked into the White House to meet with Karen the next morning and started looking around for anyone to ask. She talked to everyone she could think of. Tom, Hal, Abbey, Lesley and Cyrus and they all told her the same thing. They didn't know what she was talking about. Her gut was telling her they were keeping something from her.

**OOO**

Cyrus walked into the Olivia office. "Mr. President."

"Cyrus." Fitz looked up from his briefing book. "What do you need?"

"We need to talk, Fitz."

The use of his first name was not lost on him. He threw the briefing book to the side and stood up. He poured himself a drink and handed one to Cyrus as well. "What on your mind, Cy."

"Olivia's been asking question about...that night" Cyrus completed his thought after a pause.

"I see. Did you tell her anything?" Fitz asked as he took sip of his drink and put it down. He wasn't ready to have this conversation with Olivia but it appeared it would happen sooner rather than later.

"I haven't said anything. None of the people she's asked have said anything. Fitz, this is Olivia we are talking about. She like a dog with bone. She won't let it go. I know you don't want to talk about it, least of all with her.

"But I rather she heard it from me then someone else."

"She's in Lesley's office right now.''

Fitz stood up. "I'll go and talk to her."

**OOO**

"Lesley, I know something went on. He's different and it's not just about the loss of his son."

"You're right, it's not just about Gerry but I can't and won't violate his confidence."

I just can't shake what he said to me the other night. "_Don't ever leave like that again. I almost didn't survive. I almost died without you." _Liv repeated quietly to her. "I wish I knew what he meant by it."

"I can't tell you. Lesley whispered while focusing on the brief in front of her and not Olivia.

"She can't tell you but I can." Fitz said quietly while leaning against the door

Olivia stood quickly and turned to the sound of his soft, broken voice."Fitz." Olivia whispered

Lesley stood as well. "Sir."

Fitz approached the two women Lesley, you didn't tell anything, did you?"

"Of course not. It's not my story to tell." Lesley collected some papers on her desk. "I have a meeting you're welcome to use my office. Liv if you need anything after... I'll be around.'

Olivia looked into Fitz's broken eyes. She was going to get the truth now and the thought of that suddenly scared her. "Thank you."

Fitz sat down next to Liv and looked into her eyes. He took her hand. "I haven't talked to anyone since it happened. Mellie and I don't talk about it. She was there that night but I don't talk about it with her." Fitz squeezed her hand and Olivia felt her heart stop. "I almost died without you."

"You keep saying that. What exactly do you mean?" Liv asked in almost a whisper.

Fitz let go of her hand and stared at the floor. "I didn't want to go on. I couldn't find you. You disappeared. Gerry was gone. I tried to focus on work but it didn't seem to help, not a first. I focused on Mellie but she was even more lost then I was. One night after a day in the Oval I went upstairs and started drinking. I didn't want to be in pain anymore. I didn't want my heart to ache anymore. The alcohol helped numb the pain. I would think about Gerry or you and then the pain would come back. I can't sleep without you, I can't breathe without you. I wait for you. I watch for you. My whole life is you and you left me. I lost my will to live."

Liv placed a hand under his chin and lift his chin so they met eye to eye. She was absolutely white with fear did you?" She struggle to find the words.

"I took a bunch of pills. I drank a lot and passed out. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to see your face."

"You tried to kill..." Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "Fitz..." She whispered.

Fitz took her hand quickly and squeezed it. "I need you Liv. I couldn't live without you. I survived Lesley saw to that. I saved her once. She saved me then. I didn't become the first President to commit suicide while in office. No one even knows.

"Lesley knows."

"She's not going to say anything." Fitz assured Olivia who was turning in his fixer.

"You. I can't believe you would..."

"I had a bad night."

"Fitz, you tried to kill yourself." The secret service."

"They can't say a thing."

"Your doctors."

"Bound by privilege and it was Evan."

"Fitz this isn't just going to go away."

Livvie you can't fix this. There is nothing for you to fix. My people took care of it."

"I should fix this." Liv stared straight at Fitz as she stood and began to pace the room. "I caused this."

Fitz stood and blocked her path. He stopped her in her tracks and wrapped her in an embrace. "You did not cause this. This...my choice to try and end my pain was not your fault. " Fitz held her face in his hands. "It's true, you own me. You control me. I belong to you. It true but you did not cause this."

"I need to know you won't try it again. Fitz please?"

"I won't. I've found a proper outlet and you are here. Are you going to run away again? Are you going to get on a plane with Jake again?

"No." Olivia answered without hesitation. "I didn't want to get on the plane with him to begin with. I told him I was in love with another man." Olivia smiled knowingly at Fitz. Fitz smiled back. "You own me you control me I belong to you." Liv whispered as she kissed him softly and then again with more need. "Don't try and leave me again. I can't survive without you."

Fitz kissed her with equal need. "I don't intend to leave you. You are the most important person in my life Livvie. Stay with me. Help me through it. We are in this together.

Liv returned the kiss. "We are in this together."

A/N: Thanks for reading and all the support. I hope you enjoyed this short little story. There will be more to come soon. No Exit should be finished by the fall finale.


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